50th Wedding Anniversary

A Couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad.. "the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L A. and didn't have time to get you a present...Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said , "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together to day." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but.. we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones too!"

60th Class Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended Class Reunions in the past without fail. For their 60th class anniversary, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?” "Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

Ageing

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothing” said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

A Golfer's Tale

A golfer was looking for his ball in the woods when he comes across a man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You got to be kidding me." responded the golfer "No, would you like to give it a try?"

The golfer agrees and he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't going be your day."

Alaskan's Ex-wife

The day after his recent ex-wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find a grim-faced Alaska state trooper.

I'm sorry, sir, I have news about your ex-wife," the trooper said. Some bad, some good and some really great." Tell me the bad news first," the man said.

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your ex-wife's body in the Bay." Oh my God," cried the man. "What's the good news?"

When we pulled her up, she had two 25-pound king crabs, and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her," the trooper said. Stunned, the man demanded, "If, that's the good news, what's the great news?" Said the trooper, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Are You Finish?

A virile, young Italian stud was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So...you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, “No.”

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks... So, you finish? And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, “No.” Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... “So, you finish?” Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, “No... I Norwegian!”

Arkansas Boys

Bubba and Billy Bob, who are both from Fayetteville, Arkansas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Bubba says to Billy Bob,"Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Arkansas sell'em to all our friends, and make a fortune fer us." Bubba continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Arkansas, ain't you?" Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come'd you know that?" The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

A Bad Bowl Of Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Bitch In The Kitchen

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train because we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language!"

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!" She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Bite Your Tongue

I guess there are times when you should just bite your tongue! A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome Of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well! There you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck.

Blindman At Convent

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Blondage

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Blonde Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. ' 'And here I am.'

Blonde Geography

A blonde from Cheboygan, Michigan, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The blond nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blond explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Boy On Bus

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

Bubba's Hearing

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.

When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, Preacher. It ain't until next Wednesday.

Bubba's Sister

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Bungee Jumping

Al and Joe were Bungee - Jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee - Jumping Services in Mexico." They don't have it there. Joe thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps!!

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up: He's got a couple of broken bones and the cuts and scratches have become deep gashes. His whole body is bruised, and he is barely conscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What the heck happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd! What the heck is a piñata?"

Calling In Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Catholic Blonde

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

Catholic Bubba

Each Friday night Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat. The delicious aroma was causing such a problem for his neighbors that they called their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After much study, Bubba attended Mass and the priest sprinkled holy water over him stating, "You were born Baptist, and raised Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Friday night arrived, and the aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The priest was called, and as he rushed to Bubba's prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba sprinkling holy water over the meat and chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer 'The curlers are on me.'

Chinese Charlie

A certain lumberjack camp had a Chinese cook named Charlie. The lumberjacks were not very progressive in their attitudes and they treated Charlie with great disrespect, tying his shoelaces together, pulling his pigtail, and even throwing him in the river just for fun. One day a priest came to the camp and held an outdoor mass, including open confession. Charlie wasn't present. Several of the lumberjacks spoke about their treatment of Charlie.

The priest gave them penance and admonished them sternly that this behavior must not continue and that they must apologize to Charlie for their mistreatment of him. After the mass, a group of lumberjacks went to Charlie. They said that they were very sorry for all the mean things they'd done to him and promised that they wouldn't do them again. "You no tie shoelaces together no more?" asked Charlie. "No," said one of the lumberjacks. "We won't do that." "You no pull pigtail?" "No, Charlie." "You no throw Charlie in river?" "No, no. We'll never do that again." "Good," said Charlie, "then me no peepee in coffee no more."

CIA Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After the background checks, interviews, and testing, there were 3 finalists - 2 men and a woman. For the final test, theCIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!" The man said, "I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you are not the right person for the job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. The came out after five minutes with tears in his eyes. "I tried but I can't kill my wife. "The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Several gun shots were heard. The CIA heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. All was quiet after a few minutes. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Completely Finished!

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words, COMPLETE and FINISHED. In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England attended by the best in the world Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?"

Answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

It Could Happen!

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Cowboy Boots

Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." 

Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room with nothing on, except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?!?" 

Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Roy yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda bought a hat."

Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Day At The Beach

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. 

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. 

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. 

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "No." 

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

Deadbeat

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Depressed Woman

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.   A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

A Doggy Tale

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular Black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle." That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?" "Uh - I hate liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone; cheese mine!"

Drive-Thru

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!" "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell" can't stay on the church roof."

Drunk Crawler

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far."

So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"

"How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

Drunken Adventure

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?!?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Dumb Drunk

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your house burnt down!” So he runs outside but then he thinks, “I don't have a house.” So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.Another guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your dad died!” And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, “I don't have a dad.” 
 So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, “Bill! You won the lottery!” So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, “My name's not Bill.”

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem velly bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

Blonde's Emergency Flasher's

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly. ’Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks. 'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

The Examination

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.  The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”

Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.' His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'. 'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help'. 'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. Did you see the ball? 'Of course I did !', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight'. 'Where did it go?', asks Arthur. 'I don't remember.'

Field Trip

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually 'well endowed.' Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

Final Offer

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss but…

I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store,...a company pickup truck,...a king size bed and...$3,000 a month in living expenses."

First School Day

The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden … I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark! A pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words... "My fair maiden ... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out .. "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit .. I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway ..." The audience left howling.

Fishing In Bad Weather

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is really terrible." My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?" I still don't know if she was joking.

Forgive Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked , "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80 percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-Eight." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches.

Frank

A woman walks into her local Welfare office with 15 children in tow. The lady at the front desk looked in awe and said, “Wow! Are all of those kids yours??” The woman sighed and said “yes.” She turned to her kids and stated, “Frank, go find somewhere to sit down while I fill out some paperwork.” All of her children scrambled for chairs. She approached the lady behind the front desk.

The welfare worker said, “Let’s take this one at a time…. What is the name of your oldest son?” The woman replied, “Frank,” and gave all of his information. When asked what the names of her other boys were, the woman replied, “Frank.” When asked what the name of her oldest daughter, the woman replied, “Frankie.”

The welfare worker said, “Okay, I think I see the pattern. Are ALL of your children named either Frank or Frankie.” The woman said, “Yep, and it was the best idea I’ve ever had. When I need to wake them up for school, I just yell ‘Frank’ and they all wake up. When I want them to come for dinner I just yell ‘Frank’ and they all come running. It was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.” The puzzled welfare worker looked at the mother and asked, “But what if you just want ONE of them?” The mother replied, “Oh, that’s easy…..I JUST CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES”

Funny Lie

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

Gas Problem

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Girl's Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with; she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, and then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties." That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

Giving Advice

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

Glad To Be Drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Golf With An Old Man

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..

Gotta Love A Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside." His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"     The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes!," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.  "Yes! Please!," comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in West Virginia. The West Virginia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars - and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The Hooker

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'Love' with her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.  And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. 'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,'Ed said to his new found lady friend…'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, if so, and if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'

'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker' 'I see', Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, Deep in thought.....Then he added 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.

Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. They check out four hours later and the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager who is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex."

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that .....Ralph was too tired."

Permission To Hunt

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

The Letters

A letter was left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

I'm Broke!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven’t got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don’t be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Go ahead," she stated, I haven't had electricity for a month.

Irish Ditty

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

Jet Fuel

Razorbuck and Basshole are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Razorbuck says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink." Basshole says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Razorbuck wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact, he feels great no hangover. No bad side effects, nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Basshole.

Basshole: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Razorbuck: "Great!"

Basshole: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Razorbuck: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often."

Basshole: "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...." Razorbuck: "What's that?”

Basshole: "Have you farted yet?" Razorbuck: "No." Basshole: "Well, don't,'cause I'm in Phoenix."

Job Application

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I".

Little Johnny Strikes Again!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."   The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.

Koala Bear

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?"

Lady Talk

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the JFK airport. The 1st lady was a typical arrogant New York woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on if they had any children, the New York woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that nice!"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that nice!" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice!" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice!"

The Last Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough bas\d times, as well as good, I leave the house and $28 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $16 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention you in my will. Well, as usual you were wrong. Hi Dan!"

A Lawyer Duck Hunting

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you're thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like you're thinking."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Living Long

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?" "Oh no," I replied. "I avoid both."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" He asked, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, sky dive or drive fast cars?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Finally, he asked, "Do you have frequent or creative sex?" I responded, "NO!" He looked at me and said, "Then why the hell do you care if you live to be 80?"

Love The Irish

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Man's Best Friend

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said. The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree." The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred." "No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

Marital Problems

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf!

Men Never Learn

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord, you'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never even heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday.

Management At It's Best

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos."

Miscommunication

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife ask angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

Misinterpretation

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped, saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

The Mower

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. The wife kept nagging to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again he handed her a toothbrush. He said, "When you finish cutting the grass you might as well sweep the sidewalks." The doctor says he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Never Ask A Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigue by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly!"

Nickels And Dimes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm! recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend 9 months ago.. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do," said Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your own name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did" "Why do you ask?" "Well.... She just died and left ME everything."

Norwegian Diet

A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS! 'Why, that's amazing!' the Doctor said, did you follow my instructions?'

The Norwegian nodded and said...'I'll tell you though, I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.' 'From hunger, you mean? 'No, yust from all dat skippin’!’

One day...

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

One Word Or Two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – "Is that one word or two?"

Only Three Doors Down

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Ouch!

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him all was well.   However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.   Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.   Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well soon... from the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week."

Our Heroine

This is a beautiful story about a Lady on a cruise ship.

Dear Diary:

MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table tonight.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are 1262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety and having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his table again tonight.

WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the dinner was served with the best wines. He made several amorous proposals to me but I stood firm on my moral convictions.

THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his exotic proposals.

FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1262 lives last night... Twice!

Our Medical System

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." She wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles." She wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, Where? Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

Pay Day

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared home Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went by with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down and he saw his wife through his half-closed eyes.

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, ... "Those little bastards!"

Picture On The Nightstand

The picture on the nightstand... After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

”Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."

Pirate In Bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible." What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now". "Ok, but what about that hook?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."

Police Stop

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really.... Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife.

Polish Moose Hunt

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Poor Guy!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

The Preacher And The Cowboy

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Public Bathroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doing Just Fine!

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

Ralph

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"... Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?" At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."

Sack Of Twenties

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or  off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!  By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

Senior Woman Driver

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 108."

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion... Marion" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”

Slow Down Or Stop?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Smart Ass!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old fart is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,  "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Southern Blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Southern Charm

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, “Who's Robert E. Lee?” She replied, “Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

Surgery

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction,  breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'

Sweet Revenge

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been barking in the backyard for hours and hours.

Suddenly the blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says: "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked with her eyes gleaming lustfully.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful....I had tennis elbow once!"

Ten Ways

10 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car and point Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom at work. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
4. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
5. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
6. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
7. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
8. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
9. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."
10. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

The Call-in

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming in to work today."

The Confessional

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

The Defendant

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that ass hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in my grade. The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.' After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler.'

The Nail

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Nebraska rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

The Psychiatrist

A Newfoundlander went to see a psychiatrist. When he got there, he said, "I have got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there is somebody under it. I am scared. I think I am going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I will sleep on it," said the Newfoundlander. Six months later, the doctor met the Newfie on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10....I was so happy to have saved all that money, I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"? "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

The Sex Frog

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nigh tie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says. "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

The Tiny Cabin

The Yankee from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Carolina when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the tourist. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

Three Couples

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Today's Airlines

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

Trust The Husband

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello to them'?"

Two Little Old Ladies

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting!

Ugly Man

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.  "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks.

Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.   

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?" "Dunno. Never found her head."

Walmart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, slovenly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?' So I replied, 'No ma'am, I'm neither blind nor stupid, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Whoops!

A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and waved hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful.

"Good grief" he says "Are you the stripper from my stag party? The one I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?" "No" she replies coldly, I'm your son's English Teacher!"

Who Says Rednecks Aren’t Sensitive

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff. Here's proof...

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly, Jed says."When she opened the door I said to her, "You must be Steve's widow." "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Wimpy Dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing.

My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Wooden Pig Leg

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer. "Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman. "Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned." "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman. "Oh no," says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks. "Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

Words Women Use

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Oh, and before I forget, “WHATEVER” ...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

The Boy And Girl

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”

The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Zero Clearance

Two Kentuckians were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct.

The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

Family Dinner

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes.

You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Father Talk

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed."

All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!" Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed."

All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom."

All the other fathers say in unison, "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a penis!”

Genius Vs. Idiot

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost.

By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

How Children Are Made

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Penquins

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there!

He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.

The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

Self-Esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.

She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”

He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Ugly People

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Crying Lady

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said,”Well, then why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a  gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can't remember where I live!”

Old Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."   Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't,  -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".

Room 858

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open. That's a maintenance matter."

Irish Compassion

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

A Golf Injury

One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, ”Hey, are you okay"? "I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled", the woman said, "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that." "Oh, come on," the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse". She was very persuasive....and he was weak. "Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you." "Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart," he replied.

No More Talk

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the airplane rolled out of the gate, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Abbie. I'm on the airplane."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Abbie, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Abbie doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Car Shopping

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man.  "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there.  You insisted there could be no discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you?  She had the ready cash and just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it, see you later, grandpa."

Never mess with the elderly.

Bar Talk

At the bar and having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, and looks this guy straight in the eye.

She says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in government too. Are you federal or state?"

Jack And Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, ”I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

An Irish Painter

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, but then the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned."T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had five inches before and get nine inches now, she might be a bit put out. If you had nine inches before and you decide to only invest in five inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops."

Funny Drunk

A man staggered home late after another evening drinking. Hi tiptoed towards the stairs, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the handrail, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whisky bottle in his back pocket broke, making the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, he sprang up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see his butt cheeks were bleeding. He found a box of Band-Aids and began sticking one on each place he saw blood before stumbling to bed.

In the morning, he woke in searing pain with his wife staring at him."You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" she said. "Why would you say such a thing?" he replied. "Well," his wife said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass on the stairs, it could be the trail of blood. But mostly it's all of those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

The Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard, and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up.  As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

No Newspaper

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"Where is my Sunday paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow,  on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either"

Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Bodine and Roxy. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

MayDay!

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had a fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!" The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions: 

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.

Don't Trust Technology!

Alan texts his neighbor: Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.  I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife'.

Regards, Alan

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

Resurrection

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole congregation, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Tax Advice

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc, and then asks,”what’s your occupation?" “I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that." “The woman says, “Ok, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again.” “They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” “Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

Hunting Gone Wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

God And The Biker

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ’Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied,'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. Look at the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete, asphalt and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

God replied, "You want two lanes, or four, on that bridge?"

Where's The Toast?

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

Marriage In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Female Dentist

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot. “No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims.

So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, “I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he said, “I’m fine with pills.” So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. “What are those?” he asks. “Viagra,” she calmly replies.

“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know Viagra works as a painkiller. “It doesn’t,” says the wise lady, “But it’ll give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”

Two Good Old Boys

Two good old boys in an Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local horse trailer manufacturing plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"

Old Age At Its Best

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! --there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and layon the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?" Now, that's a businessman!

Whispering In The Library

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people.”

Test Results Back?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don't know Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body.” He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... Are my test results back?

New Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Four Balls

A Scotsman moves to the USA, and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings, and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, Run".

The next batter hits a single and the Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered, "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game, and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up, and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk", and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run, ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls." The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

Grandfather Of The Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long—easy, boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."

Wedding Cake

A Doctor was addressing a large audience…

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some marital problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM, and that he missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed… it said… “It is 5:00 AM: wake up!”

Fishy Tale

A woman is in bed with her lover Charlie, who also happens to be a nearby neighbor. They make love and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s her house, she picks up the receiver. Charlie listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific. Okay. Bye, bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Nine Children

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of the stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus… so shut up!”

Try These Pants On!

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems. ''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me. 'Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' They lived happily ever after!

Car Sale

A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day.”

Once again ... don't mess with seniors.

Golfer's Accident

A young avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?”

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.” "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again.” The operation went well. A year later after the young man had the transplant, he had a final follow-up with the surgeon.

"How's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. Are you playing any golf and if so how is that going? "Well, "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.” "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.” "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?” "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

My Son The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

On Baseball...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy." Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole.

Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shit-head is it?" "No, coach." "Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

Last Request

A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 in cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.

Heart-Warming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding along in his big limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

What Religion Are Bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Bob And The Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said,"You know, I reckon he'll jump." The blonde replied,"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,"You're on!" The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so, I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.

Harley Crash

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

Little Susie

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted!

Dear God,

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely, Edna

Retardment

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do. After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Your Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Old Time's Sake

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern... where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Viagra

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. It's really taken the edge-off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

What Religion Is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' 'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.' Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The sales lady replied:

'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

A Senior's Version of Facebook

For those of you in my generation who do not, and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: Well, I’m trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I’m feeling at the moment, what I did the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I show them pictures of my family, my dog, my schedule, taking things apart, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and what others are doing every day.

I do listen to their conversations, giving them "thumbs up" and telling them I "like" them. And it works just like Facebook. I already have 4 people following me: 2 cops, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

This Year's Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Well I went to Hawaii, and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "so, what you gonna do this year that's different?" "I'm taking Earlene with me."

Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry." The policeman fainted!

Distracted Driver

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving, and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the dang phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!

Walking On Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial -- strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?

Jack Daniels

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper. The counselor asks, "What's the problem? The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and he would start to calm down.? It was amazing!

What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that? The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.

Politician

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician stepped away, whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then assured them, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

University Library

A male student was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw someone."

Crazy

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward. He finds Jerry sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asks Jerry what he's doing. Jerry smiles and answers, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor nods and enquires about what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Jerry looks up and murmurs, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor notices that Mark's face is turning red and blue. The doctor says, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." Jerry replies with a sigh, "What, and work in the dark?"

Salesman

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Glasgow, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Glasgow?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Reason To Drink

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ...a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah, but today is the last day.

Cowboy Boots

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."

You've Got Male

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, 'You've got male!'"

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Text Messages

Exchange Of Text Messages:

Husband: You are negative.

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, caring only about no one but yourself and your friends. It is only I who is putting up with such a insensitive, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.

Husband: I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative.

Wife: Oh........ sorry!

Brain At 3 AM

I can see you're trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well is in the past 40 years!

Exorcist

A week ago, my live-in, mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist." She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it down to the beach and threw it into the lake. I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. Yes, I know, I'm going to hell!

Hearing Aids

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was. The hearing specialist said, , "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.

"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."

Whales

So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say, "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot." So I said, "OK, are you two Whales from Scotland?" I don't remember much after that.